I wasn't always married to Righteous Rita. I spent many years as a single guy, most of them in sunny Southwest Florida, in Beautiful Naples on the Gulf. As teenagers we called it Bountiful Nipples on a Goof.
It seems that Steve of Little Tiny Lies and Adam of Single Southern Guy think they have had the worst dating experiences of all mankind.
Not so, young fellows, simply not so.
I, The Right Irreverent Mike, spent many a painful night with many a high-maintenance power bitch during my formative years. Wandering in a desert of ignorance, I caught women I never should have chased.
Guys, I got custody of the kids because her customers agreed to testify and her signature on the decree was witnessed by Joe and Jane Jail Deputy... get my drift?
So, as a service to the younger generation, as a duty to mankind and just because I want to, here are...
Mike's Pointers About Dating for Men
1 - Sex is like money, even when it's bad it's good.
2 - Sex is like work, sometimes the job just doesn't pay enough, the hours suck and the boss is an asshole.
3 - That pitty-pat of your heart is not true love, it's gibbering fear. Your subconscious mind recognizes that this is the bitch that will rip your heart out and pin it to the floor with her spike heeled mule. She does look good in that pose though.
4 - The proper response to "But will you respect me in the morning?" is "I don't respect you now so what are you willing to do to change my mind?" Say, is that a square knot you tied in that cherry stem with your tongue?
5 - Never sleep in the same bed with a woman who will not indulge in "Hanky-panky" with you. She will not respect you in the morning and she might accuse you of rape.
6 - When out alone at a club, be nice to the plain girls early in the evening so they don't think you're just trying to get lucky when you ask them out to breakfast at closing time. That is what you're doing, but you don't want them to know that.
7 - Another thing about being dateless at a club, always sit where you can see the women's bathroom door, they all have to go sometime. Everybody loves a parade...
8 - Never date a woman who will not leave the house without makeup or without "doing" her hair. You could never love her as much as she loves herself.
9 - It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl as a poor girl... but the divorce is a completely different story.
10 - If all you are looking for is one night of fun, a fake wedding ring is the perfect accessory. Just don't mention the fake kids
11 - If she has slept with all your friends, she will continue sleeping with all your friends. DUH!
12 - Prostitutes are not the marrying kind. Trust me on this one
13 - Tattoos are OK as long as she doesn't have other women's names tattooed on her arm. Sara... Jennifer... Caroline...
14 - If she shows up for the second date with your name tattooed on her arm... Run like the wind, my son, run and don't look back...
15 - Never try to sober up a drunk or clean up an addict. She will just wreck your car, steal your money and call you a "Control Freak".
Now, with these fresh thoughts, go forth and prosper... and post the pics
Good Lord in Heaven's Name. The story behind those statements feels brutal...
Posted by: Keith on February 26, 2003 09:47 AMTo numbers 2, 6, 7, 8, 11, 14, and 15, I offer a reverent, "Amen."
To numbers 1, 3, 5, and 9 and I proclaim, "AMEN BROTHER--KEEP ON PREACHIN'!!!!!"
Posted by: Adam on February 26, 2003 10:58 AMWow, I almost feel sorrier for you than I do for myself, and that's saying something.
Posted by: Steve H. on February 26, 2003 11:22 AMKeith... they were brutal times... but I survived which should give all hope.
Adam... one more...
It's one thing when your wife doesn't love you anymore but it's quite another when she tries to hire a hit man to kill you.
Steve... The strange thing is, I didn't feel sorry for myself at the time... the little head was doing all the thinking and he has no emotions, just passion... and an obsession with being encased in quivering, wet flesh...
Posted by: Mike S on February 26, 2003 07:18 PMWas it all bad? Or just turned out that way? I have wondered....Truth is ALWAYS stranger than fiction, as fiction is re-processed reality. I know it is not my place to say this but the view from the outside was not very pretty either. I do admire you for your tenacity and comitment to the most important things....Libby and Seņor Sam. God blessed you with a good one this time.....Maybe HE had to show you the abyss so you can better appreciate what you have now....In my opinion you did more than "survived", you overcame adversity and rose to the challenge, you inspired me. I have often thought that if life were not complicated, who would want to live it...? Miss you....B.
Posted by: Bill on February 27, 2003 10:29 AMOk, uhmm, Mike, I'm sure that comment from Bill had to be for you, but could you please confirm that for me? One of the names he used threw the ole chill down the spine because of past experience with #s 1, 2, 3, and 15.
Posted by: Adam on February 27, 2003 06:55 PMAdam... that is my brother, commenting from Costa Rica. We went to hell and back together.
Bill, thanks... I love you and miss you too...
Posted by: Mike S on February 27, 2003 07:44 PM#16. No matter how pretty she is, there's some guy out there somewhere who's had enough of her shit.
Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on February 27, 2003 09:02 PMMike, you crack me up!
Sigh.
You know what? I should be writing my own list of what men should be doing to get women. Honestly, I've dated enough to be able to tell guys what DOESN'T work!
Posted by: Da Goddess on March 1, 2003 05:02 PMClarification needed. Before you got your life together and married the Lovely Rita, you were married once to a rich girl and once to a prostitute? Or was it the same woman?
Posted by: Vicky on March 3, 2003 09:09 AMSame one... but it's been a long time ago...
Posted by: Mike S on March 3, 2003 08:34 PM