The Church of the Blinding White Light of Stupidity

Draft II

The ever articulate Sargeant explains much better than I why Chuckie's mandatory draft is a bad idea.

The U.S. military is not your daycare center. We're not here to correct mommy and daddy's errors or make your son a better man. We're here to defend the Constitution and we employ whatever tools necessary to ensure the success of our mandate. The values the military attempts to instill in its members are those that have traditionally proven to be successful in providing a disciplined and orderly force capable of success in battle. Any secondary benefits these values provide to society at large are irrelevant. Our job is not to crank out patriotic young Americans to make America better. Our job is to crank out soldiers who will fight, kill and win against a hostile adversary. If these same soldiers translate the skills and values they learned in the military into a successful civilian life, so much the better, but that is neither the purpose nor the goal of military indoctrination and training.

I happen to think our all-volunteer military kicks ass. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Besides, who do you think is going to pay for all those po-mo relativist nitwits to be trained? And is that the kind of person you want protecting our country? Not me.

Dog Fishing in America...

Ahhhh.... the relaxing art of fishing. No more, after seeing this I don't know if I could ever fish again.

uh... yeah... I could...

I like the rhetorical question on the first page, framed around a picture of a dog with a bait fish in his mouth, fishhook dangerously close to his lip:

"If you wouldn't do this to a dog, why do it to a fish?"

Well, dumbass, since you asked, I never learned to fillet a dog but I can fillet a fish in less than thirty seconds and dog meat just isn't as tasty.

Years ago, in the mythical city of Naples, in the Golden Ghetto of Tenth Avenue South, we did do some dog fishing.

Rocket (not his real name) had bought one of those Subaru trucks with the pseudo fighting chairs in the truck bed. We decided one Sunday morning, after a Saturday night of consuming way too much alcohol and not getting any sleep, to try our hands at Dog Fishing.

We regularly caught snook, tarpon and shark but to go after a land mammal, especially a dog, seemed the next step in the progression. We used our shark rods, reels filled with 100# woven dacron line as our main equipment. We then stole the outriggers from the neighbors boat and attached them to Rockets truck. The gear was ready, all we needed was some bait.

Patrick wanted to use some small pieces of steak with his light rig to catch a chihuahua or a yorkie for bait but since we planned on trolling around the condos we figured live bait would not be required. Howeird got a bag of prime rib bones out of his freezer and we loaded up for a day of recreational dog fishing.

First stop was 7-11, because it ain't fishing without beer. We filled the cooler with Busch longnecks, got some Chicken in a Biscuit crackers and cheese whiz and a few packs of smokes then off to the condos we went.

We arrived at Broad Avenue South just as the tide started running. On a Sunday morning the condos are humming with dog activity at about 9:30 in the morning. The blue-haired old ladies are out walking their dogs before going to church, trying to make sure Fido/Fifi is completely empty before they leave them alone in the house for three hours. Two words: White Carpet.

We had decided to forego hooks as it was catch and release anyway, so we tied the bones on the lines, adjusted the outriggers and started trolling slowly through the parking lots. Howeird took the right side and I took the left with Rocket manning the tiller. Patrick stood up through the sun roof, flat-lining with his steak on an ultra-light spinner.

On days like this it doesn't matter if you even get a strike. Being out with friends, surrounded by nature, hearing the bird calls and the hum of the motor, just being out of the house is worth the effort.

Suddenly we heard the yap of a small dog, a yorkie or a poodle, very hard to tell as it was muffled by the hedges. Patrick cast his line up a sidewalk, right onto a front porch, figuring the pooch was hiding under the aluminum chair and got a terrific hit.

We saw it was a Dachshund as it came tearing across the lawn, a nice one, about ten pounds but it quickly ran around a palm tree and cut Patrick off. Smart little critters, Dachshunds are renowned for their cunning and their short stature allows them to hang you up on bushes and lawn ornaments. It was a good sign though, the dogs were there and biting.

Patrick re-rigged while we continued to troll for bigger game. As soon as he got his line back onto the street, he had another hit, a yorkie this time and he damn near got it in the truck before it shook loose and scampered back to its yard. Howierd and I were so busy watching Patrick play with the small dogs that we hadn't noticed the pack of mongrels that had come out from between two condos about a block behind us.

Catching the smell of rancid beef bones they fell in behind the truck, easing from one side of the street to the other, following my bait then Howeird's. Led by a large black lab mix, the pack consisted of seven large breed mixes, representing everything from lab to huskey, one even appeared to be part Rottweiler.

I called out to Rocket but he had already seen them in the rearview mirror and down shifted to allow them to catch up. Re-adjusting our outriggers, re-checking our rigs, Howeird and I each took a deep breath and got ready for what we hoped would be the fight of our lives.

It was at that point we heard the sirens and saw the reflections of the flashing blue lights on the second story of the condo beside us. We grabbed our poles and started reeling the baits in as fast as we could, hoping to get the rigs stowed before "John Law" appeared. I pulled out my Kabar and cut both our lines, allowing the pack to grab the bones and run across the yard, disappearing through a hole in the fence.

As we slowly drove past the cop at the entrance to the lot, I handed Howeird a cracker and sprayed some cheese whiz on it, all the while watching the cop out of the corner of my eye. Without catching us in the act, there was nothing he could do so he followed us back to the house and parked at the corner for a few hours.

We took the beer and crackers in with us, turned on the TV and watched Dusty Rhodes beat the crap out of Abdulla the Butcher.

All in all, a great day of fishing.

Jackass of the Day

Rep. Rangel, (D., N.Y.) is going to introduce a bill for mandatory military service. Whatsa matter, Chuckie, our volunteer military not good enough for ya?

Rep. Charles Rangel, D-New York, said such legislation could make members of Congress more reluctant to authorize military action.

Huh?

"When you talk about a war, you're talking about ground troops, you're talking about enlisted people, and they don't come from the kids and members of Congress," he said.

"I think, if we went home and found out that there were families concerned about their kids going off to war, there would be more cautiousness and a more willingness to work with the international community than to say, 'Our way or the highway.'"

Gee, Chuckie, I don't remember it working that way the last time we had a draft...remember Vietnam, draft-dodgers like your old buddy Clinton, rich kids stayed at home, that kind of thing??

Renew the draft? Pah! What an inordinately stupid idea. Got your name in the news though, didn't it Chuckie?

Jackass.

Vicious, just vicious...

Found this via Burnt Ends... no one is safe from The Beast

So this is what a 21st century beserker looks like....

What If???

What if Mr. Whittaker said he was just kidding about doing this, and instead spent his money on hookers and hillbilly heroin?

Now that's comedy.

I was really wrong...

Saturday came and went without us seeing hide nor hair of the trashmen.

Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full...

I'm gonna have to douse them with ammonia to keep the stray dogs from strewing garbage all over the yard.

Charity Begins at Home...

I found this over at IMFO and it got me thinking about the rewards of giving shit away.

My Mom taught me about the "Law of Divine Returns" when I was much younger. "Whatever you give away, without any motive for gain, will be returned tenfold." This is where the concept of tithing came from, before the clerics got involved to take their cut off the top.

The math has never worked for me, but I give shit away without thinking much about it. Many folks did the same for me when I was on hard times, so I try my best to give it back and pass it along.

I've thought a lot about the short-comings of the welfare state, vis a vis the Law of Divine Returns, and have decided that it is one of the most destructive things about the nanny state.

Ideally, a person gives of what they have, voluntarilly and freely, directly to the person who has the need. Both parties to the transaction gain something and almost none of the gift gets eaten up by overhead.

The giver?
Unless you are a complete piece of slime, nothing can compare to the feeling of seeing a child smile over food or getting a sincere thank you from someone who thought all was lost. Hope, shared, is multiplied. No religion required, even a heartless atheist can enjoy this feeling. I know I do.

The receiver?
Somebody really gives a shit whether I live or die. I am not alone, facing all this by myself. I am still part of humanity.

Under the Nanny State maximum negative mitigation occurs...
First, they eat up 60% to 80% with overhead...

The giver?
The taxman comes and takes what is "owed" to the state, under threat of imprisonment. Not very voluntary, eh? The way they do it seems to have been designed to minimise any goodwill that might be generated. We can ignore the portion of those taxes that go to the actual running of the state (defense, roads, law enforcement, etc.) because the greater percentage of our taxes is now dedicated to transfer payments to other citizens (Social Security and welfare of some sort or another). How many of us get a good feeling from these programs?

The receiver?
The recipient is forced into a bureaucratic maze of humiliation and degradation. Any remaining self respect is deliberately torn away and shredded by the process. Smug self-rightous assholes lord over the poor huddled masses, doling out food stamps and AFDC checks as if it came from their pockets, with the unstated threat hanging in the air...

"I can cut you off."

That's gotta be good for the old self-esteem.

Have you ever been in one of those offices? The folks who work there show nothing but contempt for the people they are supposed to be helping. I was reminded of Dostoevsky's "Notes from the Underground":

"When petitioners used to come for information to the table at which I sat, I used to grind my teeth at them, and felt intense enjoyment when I succeeded in making anybody unhappy. I almost did succeed. For the most part they were all timid people--of course, they were petitioners."

Nasty and not very smart, they wield their power over people with a ruthless spite. I think it might be "petty people in positions of small power" that causes this or maybe that any implementation of state charity just makes it possible. Dostoevsky's description is over a hundred years old, was written in another language and about a different culture but perfectly paints the average welfare worker.

If we must transfer money from the folks who work to the ones who don't, let's send each qualified family a check on January 1st and fire all the liberal arts majors taking up space in all those welfare offices. Let's see how valuable that MSW is in the real world. Sell the computers and phones they are using. Break the leases on the offices. Disconnect the power. Shut the welfare master/slave system down.

Take all the money saved and divvy it up on the first of the year and send it out. Explain to the folks that they will have to budget their money 'cause they won't be getting any more before next year, 01/01. They can invest the cash or just put it in a savings account or even bury it in a coffee can out in the back yard but that's all they get for the year.

Blew it all on the lotto? Tough noogies.
Just had to have that MD20/20 and there's no money left for food? tsk tsk... eat grass.

Things will shake out and folks will learn to take care of themselves. or not.

"But Mike, What about The Children^TM?"

If you are such an asshole that wine, dope, sex or anything else is more important than feeding, sheltering and clothing your kids, we will find someone to feed, shelter and clothe them. There are lots of people out there who want children to take care of, so many that we import orphans from every corner of the globe. These people are willing to sacrifice for their kids, to do without things they want so that the kids can have the things they need. It's called love. Now say goodbye to the kiddies and move along.
No visits, no do-overs.
You.Screwed.Up.

Robo-Deer

Game wardens use this alot where I'm from in north-central Arkansas. I'm told the mechanical decoy is very life-like. Since I was taught better than to hunt illegally, I've never actually seen it, just pictures. They even have one that runs on a track, or so I've heard. Very effective.

My favorite story from the judge down there is about the guy who sees the decoy and pulls to the side of the road. He gets out of his truck, dons the required hunter orange, loads his gun, steps off the required 50 ft. from the center of the roadway, and very deliberately proceeds to blow the decoy to bits.

He was convicted of destruction of state property.

Please be sending me your trusting bank number...

I are having much money to share with you...
Well... if you must respond to any Nigerian email scam letters, please just send the money to me. I will forward it to the folks who sent you the letter... really... hey, are you implying that I may be less than completely honest?

This is the last one I got...

From: Mr.Daniel Osondu
Fax: Number +23417597019

Dear Sir,

I am writing this proposal hoping that you would be of assistance in this business of mutual benefit. My name is Daniel Osondu an auditor at one of the Banks in lagos-Nigeria.

Hey, thanks for thinking about me dude.

During our last audit exercise,some amount of money totalling $18.5Million was discovered and traced to be owned by one late Engineer Manfred Becker, a foreigner who died in a crash. The source of this fund was further traced to be a contract payment made to him but has remained unclaimed till now.Since his death, nobody has shown up to claim this fund and this attracted our curiosity.

Man, I'll bet it did arouse your curiosity, along with your greedy little chubby. Wow, you found 18.5 mil, just laying around like pennies in the street. Man, that shit never happens to me.

I therefore made a research and found out that he did not leave any next of kin in his confidential document with the Ministry that he executed the contract for and also with our Bank. A panel setup by the Federal Government on recovery of funds expects that this fund should be unquestionably claimed by any of his available foreign next of kin or alternatively the fund should be donated for arms and ammunition at a military war college here in Nigeria. Fervent valuable efforts were made by the Panel to get in touch with any of the family or relatives but all have proved to no avail.

Let me get this straight. If I don't help you steal this money it will be used for guns and bombs? Oh my lord! Why didn't you say that right up front? We can't let that happen!

It is because of the perceived possibility of not going to be able to locate any next of kin ( he had no wife and children) that the panel under the influence of our chairman, Rtd Major General Thomas Danababa , that arrangement is being made for the fund to be declared UNCLAIMABLED and then be donated to the Trust Fund for arms and ammunition which will further enhance the perpetration of war in Africa and the third world in general. To forestall this move, my colleagues and I have taken it upon ourselves to source for a foreign partner who could assist in claimimg this fund for further transfer abroad.

NO!!! Not more penetration of WAR in Africa and the THIRD world in GENERAL! Oh, wait... that's perpetration... uh... well... still... this can't be a good thing. BTW is that Danababa fellow related to Coconetcha Laladonatoto Danababa who played linebacker at FUU State? That kid was one hell of a player. Didn't he go pro? Just wondering.

I have been given the sole mandate to source for a partner as soon as possible to that effect. All documents and proof to enable you get this fund have been carefully worked out and I am assuring you a 100% risk free involvement. Your share would be 30% of the total amount if you agree to assist while 10% would be set aside to offset all expenses in course of the transfer and the rest would be for us for investment purposes in your country. If this proposal is OK by you, and you do wish to take the advantage of the trust we hope to bestow on you and your company, then kindly reach me immediately via my confidential fax number +23417597019 furnishing me with your most confidential telephone and fax numbers and exclusive email so that I can forward to you the relevant details of the transaction.

Wow... you get to make the decision and you picked me... I guess they were wrong when they said that felony conviction would keep me from making anything of myself.

About the split, I'm gonna have to insist on 60-40 with me getting the 60% slice. Hey, You contacted me. You're saying 100% risk free but that's what those Colombian cowboys said about the Key Largo gig in '76 and I ended up doing 5 years in Appalachicola over that fiasco. And you pay the overhead out of your end. Do you want that money used to buy bullets and bombs? Do you want it used to bring death and destruction to your neighborhood? I don't have to worry 'bout that shit because I live right down the road from the State Police barracks and this place is always crawling with cops. And don't try to threaten me. I still have the phone numbers of a few "Brothers" and they just don't like your kind, as well as still owing me big for hiding that shiv.

I expect your urgent response.

I'll bet you do. Hold your breath and I will get right back to you.

Regards,
Mr. Daniel Osondu
confidential e-mail

On a serious note
These scams are run by violent thugs who have suckered a few dolts to Europe and Africa where they kidnapped said dolts and sucked their families dry. Most of the chumps were never seen again. The link in the title of this post has the most complete listing of Nigerian Email Scam letters I have seen, so check it out. Also check out the comments... some folks still fall for this transparent attemp at theft...

All together now:

"If it appears too good to be true, it probably is."

My wife, I think I'll keep her.

Wow, what a tag line for an ad. I saw Reddy Kilowatt over at the Daily Bleat and memories of ad campaigns past swept over me...

"It lifts and separates"

"Takes a licking and keeps on ticking"

"You're soaking in it"

"Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!"

"Bad breath in dogs!"

Just got lost in my youth...

A prompt reply...

I emailed Sen. Murray and she replied. My, my... she says she is my friend... well, let me share my mail with you...

What I sent to her...

Ms Murray,
You are an idiot. I could disect your statements, both at the school and on your website but what's the point? You show no constructive mental activity that indicates an ability to reason so it would be a waste of time to go on.

'Nuff said.

Mike Smith
mikkidee@alltel.net

ps I will contribute to whomever runs against you in your next election, even if it's a yellow dog. I've owned dogs smarted than you.

Her reply...

Dear Friend:

Thank you for contacting me by email. This is just a short note to
let you know that my office has received your message.

If you are from Washington state and you have included your postal
address, I will reply to your specific concerns through the U.S. mail
as soon as possible.


If you did not include your name and Washington state address in your
original message, please resend your ENTIRE message with your name and
address attached.

I'm proud that Washington state has helped develop technologies like
the Internet and email, which citizens like you are using to share
your concerns with elected officials. In fact, email makes up about
40 percent of the correspondence received in my Washington, D.C.
office.

If you have not visited my web page, I hope you'll take a look at
http://murray.senate.gov

Once again, thank you for contacting me. I look forward to replying
to your specific request.

Sincerely,

Patty Murray
United States Senator (WA)

She looks forward to replying to my specific request?

Maybe she is planning on resigning in shame... NAW...

WOW... I feel so empowered, though I don't think she actually read my letter.

Now, if we can just find someone in Washington State with a dog willing to run against her...

Trackbacks

Hey, Matt, I figured it out...I was being stupid, that's what was wrong with our trackbacks. Doh!

They be working fine now.

Hell in a Handbasket

Bill Cimino is so going to hell for this. I can't begin to describe it, you'll just have to go see for yourselves. It's great.

Sound like our running commentaries in every museum we've ever been in. Bill, if you're ever in town, give us a yell. I think we'd all have great fun together.

Get some trim...

The stepson and I got our hair cut today. He got the Navy issue white sidewalls but I got my semi-annual lop off the locks.

I usually wait till my managers start to look at me with that sidelong look. I let it get about two inches over my collar, shaggy and rough so they can tell I got it cut. At one point, about three years ago, I wore a diamond earring ('cause real men don't wear CZ) for a few months and let my hair get extremely long. My VP cringed everytime he saw me. I take my fun where I find it.

After we got clipped, we sat in the food court at the mall watching the heifers people walk by and ate lunch. Some of them looked as if their jeans had been airbrushed painted on with a shaggy wool roller (it would have taken too long to airbrush that much acreage and it might not go on thick enough).

We saw a 10 year old girl sporting the new "Little Miss Hooker" look and lots of refugees from the Land of Bad Eye Makeup, those sad women who wear more eye shadow and masacara than required to camoflage an M1-A1 Abrams tank. Fortunately it's nothing that a chipping hammer and five gallons of Noxema won't fix. We have some good body repair shops here that specialize in that type of restoration.

Then we encountered a crisis... an entire family of exceptionally large MHU* residents, foraging at the Quiznos counter. Sizing up the danger, I lept to my feet and shouted (in my best bullhorn-type voice)...

"JUST PUT THE SANDWICH DOWN AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY! NO ONE HAS TO GET HURT! YOU HAVE CONSUMED 5 MILLION CALORIES TODAY AND ANY ADDITIONAL CALORIC INTAKE WILL CAUSE YOU TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST! THERE ARE INNOCENT CHILDREN HERE! PUT THE SANDWICH DOWN!"

Just performing my civic duty. It's not just what I do, it's who I am.

*MHU - Manufactured Housing Unit

I was wrong...

It has gotten warm enough for the trash to start fermenting... Come on Saturday!

Ask the Right Irreverent Mike S

or

What if Fundamentalist Baptists were like Fundamentalist Islamists.

My beautiful wife Rita found this whilst wandering around the internet... and I wondered if there was a Preacher available to perform the same service for our more radical Southern Baptist brethren... as I looked in the mirror, I realized he was standing right in front of me... I shall take on this task, for mankind, womankind and any other kind of kind...

Questions, questions, questions, crowding into the minds of concerned young Americans...

Q: At night when we sleep with our wife can i touch her private parts, even tho i am not sleeping but she is sleeping and she dont know anything? And what part can i touch of my wife, and what part can she touch of ours?

A: Sir, (can I assume that you are a sir?) it depends on you wife's temperment. If she is like my first wife, I wouldn't suggest even sleeping in the same room with her. With my second wife it was the only time she was home, so I had little choice. Go ahead, but hide the guns and knives first. As far as what you or she can touch, well, just about anything but NO DANCING and be careful about having sex in the standing position. If someone sees you, they may think you are dancing.
As to your choice of possesive pronouns, is this our wife? I mean is she mine too? If that is the case, bring her by for a new baptism and plan to wait in the car for an hour or so while I "counsel" her in private.

Q: i have been shaving the hair on my testacles and i just recently read from one of the answers that you musnt what should i do????

A: Bathe them daily in a good hand lotion and wear a pair of whitey-tighties, it will keep the stubble from chafing your inner thighs.

Q:Feel urine toilet water splash when passing.We shower after each time that we use the toilet-doubtful.Cant change to"low-pan" as we are renting.Please advise if to shower.

A:Walk BEHIND the fellows at the urinals and continue to shower. What is it with the plural possesive pronouns?

Q: dream - was walking with sister-in-law, decided to ask this relative about what would happen to both of them in the Hereafter. The relative replied that both of them were destined for Hell

A: If you and your sister in law were walking together (Isn't she your cousin?) coming out of the hayloft you probably are going to hell. Become a pimp and sell her on the street as there is no salvation for either of you.

Q:At work to get holidays i have to lie sometimes. I want a holiday and i know they will say No so can i lie to get my holidays?

A:No. Tell them it's hunting season but be sure to check with the Game Commission to see if it's 'coon, deer, squirrel or turkey season and varmit season is open all year 'round.
My favorite is that my best 'coon dog is feeling depressed and just needs to get out in the woods for a couple of hours. Who could deny a man a day off to take care of his best dog?

That's all I have time for now. If you have any pressing questions for the Right Irreverent Mike, leave them in the Amens section along with the GPS coordinates of the spot you saw that 14 point buck last Sunday, when you should have been at church.

Remember, never dance in the liquor store, just bend down like you are trying to get that bottle of Beefeaters off the bottom shelf when we run into each other there. You look silly trying to hide behind the jerky rack.

The Son...

No, not that one... I mean my son, Sam.

He came by to spend time with us yesterday. He is in the midst of his "get wild and prove to myself that I am really out on my own" phase. His is going much better than mine did.

I remember (sorta) showing up at my parent's house for Thanksgiving so drunk that I passed out in the potatos. I woke up the next day on the sofa with gravy in my hair. Mom was not pleased and Dad was real pissed.

So far, he is taking care of himself, staying with a friend and NOT getting arrested.

Like I said, he is doing much better than I did at his age. He is a lot smarter than I was and I hope his baggage is lighter.

I also hope his "wild" phase passes faster than mine did... I miss him.

Hmmmmmm....

Does this blog make me look fat?

Nevermind...

Christmas 2002 has been tossed into the dustbin of history but the trashman won't be here till Saturday. The bags are piling up but the temperature is staying low so they won't stink before he gets here. I've even had to rotate the recycling bins, two full, one to go. Will we make it to trash day?

Turkey.... too much turkey.... tryptophan putting me into a coma.... must.... fight.... not... too.... late....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jackass of the Day

I hope my former rheumatologist reads this:

The blockbuster arthritis drug Celebrex doesn't protect the stomach from dangerous bleeding ulcers as well as thought, a study suggests...The new study, which focused on arthritis patients at high risk of recurrent ulcers, escalates the controversy involving Celebrex, showing nearly 10 percent each year would develop another bleeding ulcer....[And]...about 25 percent of those in the Celebrex group and 31 percent in the diclofenac/Prilosec group suffered kidney complications, including high blood pressure and swollen ankles; about 6 percent in each group suffered life-threatening kidney failure.

I told him it made my stomach hurt, but he totally dismissed my complaints. Which is why he's my former rheumatologist.

Jackass.

Merry Christmas...

The world outside is frozen solid, temperature hovering at 10 degrees.

Santa must have stopped by as the garbage can is empty and the dog is pregnant... wait... that was a different guy...

anyway, somebody was here and left a bunch of stuff... the dogs are running around like a pair of three year old twins, nosing into everything and whining... the kids are awake and eating...

god is in his heaven and all is right with the world...

Couldn't get to work...

Oh, yeah... got up at five AM and the snow was still falling... My TransAm gets out in this mess and dives into the nearest culvert... I guess it doesn't want to run up a big towing bill...

"If you don't mind sir, I will just slip into this ditch right here. Yes, the one beside the driveway. Oh, and by the way, why don't you call the wrecker before you start the car so we waste as little time as possible."

and there was no way I was gonna have Rita spend three to five hours on the road getting me to and from work... on slick roads... with idiots in four wheel drive trucks speeding around...

"Hey, Bubba, hold my beer and watch this. I got four wheel drive! Look at me go! Right into the ditch! Get the jaws of life!"

It is almost funny to have some dolt go zipping by on the interstate, splashing slush all up on me, then to come to the next overpass and see that same jerk in the ditch because he forgot that four wheel drive don't mean shit on four inches of ice.

Waldo Abdul Jahandra

I just got my yearly dose of Waldo. Waldo is one of my dearest friends, a man who went to Disney World with me and didn't abandon me (like everyone else, cowards that they were) when I spent an hour one Sunday morning in the breakfast joint under the Contemporary Hotel trying to get in Minnie's shorts.

"Hey, baby, do you know what fishnet hose and a pair of red CFMPs do to me? My god you're so hot. So, uh, is it working out with Mickey? If not, uh, I got a room over at the Hilton and, uh, we could, uh, you know, slip away and, uh, what time do you get off, uh, work?"

My misspent youth, trying to pick up cartoon characters, with Waldo there trying to keep a straight face.

The fact that she spent an hour with me boosted my ego.

Tell the truth... if you had a shot at your favorite cartoon character, a legend, heartthrob to millions, would you have the guts to take it? I didn't think so... anyway, I digress...

That is the kind of man Waldo is, one who will risk getting thrown out of a theme park just to watch a horribly hung-over friend make an ass of himself trying to score with a cartoon mouse chick. He is also a fine writer, a master of the absurd, a great daddy and the best husband Janet ever had (of course, he is the only husband she has ever had).

An excerpt from his Holiday Missive:

But the most important thing to me personally, is that I will never be able to have friends that are any better than you, and do you know Why? Well, It's because Janet and I and the kids are broke…yep flatlined in the ol $$$ department, no stocks, no bonds, no greenbacks, no savings.…and so I have come up with an idea…. A kinda Time Share concept…I took our Christmas Card List and figured out that if we home school the kids, buy a leash for the cat, and put the camper shell on the van, we could spend one week staying with each of you in your homes, just until this economic thing blows over. …This would also give us a chance to get to know each of you a little better, things like your favorite recipes, what kind of neighbors you have, what's better satellite dish or cable, where you keep the beer, what kind of long distance service you have. I really don't think of this as an imposition, I tend to see it more as a special opportunity for each of us to create friendships old & new, making us just a little closer. So keep a look out for the white Dodge Caravan with the rust on the roof and when you see it pullin in your driveway, you can smile knowing that we're there and it's your week… So, thanks ahead of time and oh yeah, Merry Berries to you and yours, and we look forward to seeing you real soon and catch up on those good ol days.

I am trying to get him to start blogging... I even offered space on my server... anything to get him to spill his pearls before us swine. In any event, he will have a web site, come the new year and I will post the URL as soon as he is up...

I find myself looking out the window, checking the driveway for that Dodge Caravan... damn, I hope it's my turn soon...

Daddy and Daylon

The boy and his Dad were sleeping last night in such similiar positions that I couldn't resist.

Like father, like son...

Home again, jiggitty jig..

To market
to market
to buy a fat pig
home again
home again
jiggitty jig

I don't know where I heard that rhyme but my kids and I have been saying it since they were toddlers. It always runs through my mind as I near the house after work, as I pull in the drive and turn the car off.

I like the house we live in. A small farm house that was originally far out of town, the town has grown around us but we still have tall trees in a large yard. The house was built in the twenties and our landlord remodled it about ten years ago. Well insulated, we stay snug inside even as the snow piles up outside.

The dogs are sleeping in the living room, the grandson is sleeping on our bed, the cat is whining under the porch and Rita and I sit at the kitchen table, waiting for them all to wake up.

Except for the cat. I just wish she would either come out from under the porch and come inside or SHUT THE HELL UP! I went out to get her, standing in the sleet, getting all cold and wet, to no avail.

Update: Of course, Rita went out and the cat lept into her arms. That cat never did like me.

Two days of work, then home for the holidays...

I work today and tomorrow, then I'm off til next Monday. I love hanging at the house with my homey and I will have more time for posting.

My car, a '95 TransAm Firebird, is not the kind of car you drive in ice and snow so I will be begging Rita to ferry me to and from work till my trusty old waggoneer gets back from the shop. We are expecting 3 to 5 inches of snow this afternoon and tonight and I don't want to get stuck at work. Getting stuck in the house is OK but not in the office.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go...

Wireless Laptops...

Rita and I surf from wireless laptops, sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. It's damn convenient, close to the espresso machine and teapot as well as allowing me to sneak covert looks at the wife I love... well, stare moon-eyed at my baby.

I upgraded our wireless network to the new DLink enhanced 802.11b cards and access point because we would lose connectivity randomly throughout the day.

I am happy to say, "No mas!".

I also consolidated the Wireless Access Point, Broadband router, firewall and four port switch into one device with the DLink 614+ (DI-614+) and two DLink AirPlus PC-Card adapters (DWL-650+).

After some initial configuration tweaks (this is one case where you want to allow the systems to auto-negotiate the connection speed) and plugging in the encryption keys (I pulled those puppies out of my... well, I made them up) the network is humming along. The upgrade resolved the dropped connections and the extra speed is working quite nicely.

DLink is using the newer TI chipset to get a through-put of 22mbps as opposed to just 11mbps on the standard 802.11b. So far it is faster and the signal is consistantly stronger. I had been lusting after the newest 802.11a wireless network but I just could not justify paying around $700 to get the higher bandwidth when we mostly use the connection to surf the internet over DSL that is limited to 1.5 mb (down). This solution is a step forward at under $215.00, including S&H. I went to pricewatch.com, found what I wanted at a price I was willing to pay and it was here in three days.

Now to send my brother the old equipment so he can experience the wonder of sitting in the yard with his laptop, cruising the information superhighway.

Jackass of the Day

Some people should be publicly horsewhipped.

Nearly 80 dogs — some sick, hurt and malnourished — were seized Thursday from a rural "puppy mill" near Searcy, [Arkansas], investigators said....The 77 dogs included Jack Russells, pugs and fox, rat and wirehair terriers, Jordan said. Some animals were missing toes or had chewed ears, and one needed emergency surgery to remove gangrene, she said.

Inside, urine and feces made the air unbearable, and the animals’ drinking water was green.

What a sorry excuse for a human being. Too bad he can't be given the same treatment as he gave those poor little dogs.

Jackass.

The boy tries to fly...

Yes, Daylon loves to go to Ginnky's to see his Poppy.

I tried, but I couldn't say it this well...

I wrote something last weekend about European attitudes about America but when I read this I almost screamed "YES! That's what I meant!"

Read it... read it all... Stephen DenBest is a daily must read.

The Boy...

Daylon is here, poopy pants and all.

Nothing says Christmas like a grandson playing with the dogs at 6:00 am, attired in blue PJs and a stinkey diaper.

Our Akita was looking at Rita as if to say, "Are you going to lick his butt clean or do I have to do everything?". Sassy is a practical dog, always the momma but Rita declined and prevented Sassy from following through.

We head out this morning... over the hills and through... etc... to Ginkie's house for an early Christmas.

GET.IT.OUT.OF.THE.WAY.

so, until we return.... ariva dirt shute...

Jackasses of the Day

Like I said, the list of Saddam's suppliers in the U.N. report explains a lot. (Link via the Prof) Guess who's the #1 supplier? Mein Gott, it's Germany. Well, hell, color me surprised.

Another real fear is that Schröder’s image as a staunch pacifist might now be sullied if it emerges that Germany has all along been helping the very leader who it has been unwilling to topple, to stockpile his weapons.

Hmmm, can we say "ulterior motive"? I thought so. Wonder who else is listed in the top 5 that has also vociferiously opposed toppling Saddam? *cough*cheese eating surrender monkeys*cough*

Money grubbing jackasses.

How's about these ads...

I found these while looking for a link to the Jello Fun Barbie.

They originally came from valleyofthegeeks.com who have a great Christmas wish list up.

Seen on the toy aisle...

This is too strange.

Jello Fun Barbie.

I guess it's better than Chocolate Pudding Barbie.

But what's my motivation?...

This, picked up over at The Washing Times, is an interesting analysis of EUroweenie attitudes towards America. I'm always amazed by the tripe emanating from these twits on the other side of "The Pond".

Over the last 500 years the powers that were/be in Europe ran off every man with a hair on his testicles and every woman who had any self respect. Yup, they drove them into our waiting arms (I can say that because I have ancestors who were here when the White Eyes arrived). Everyone that Europe disenfranchised either came to the Americas or went to Austrailia. The like-minded folk left behind were subjected to pogroms by the French, Germans and Russians as well as other tight-assed intolerant groups.

So, it should come as no suprise that the EUroweenies are afraid of action. Their modus operandii is that of the bully. Beat a bully down and he becomes the biggest sissy imaginable. Because they have no real core beliefs, in themselves or anything larger than themselves, the empty shell collapses.

Remember that we (America) are the ones who beat Europe down. From '42 till '46 we kicked ass and took names, from Sicily to Normandy to Berlin. We destroyed a good portion of France just to get to Germany. The fact that we helped them rebuild after the war did not help matters. We were the upstart kids who had to come pull daddy's ass out of a jam he got himself into.

It is sad to see people who believe that man is "The Crown of Creation" and yet they believe that man is a steaming pile of shit. It must be a dismal outlook on life. "We are the best there is but look at how bad we are."

We are the children of the European diaspora, the children of folk who looked at the horizon and excitedly wondered what was over there. They are the children of the frightened ones, who looked at the horizon and wondered what next nasty suprise was going to appear from over there.

Our ancestors sold or gave away damn near everything they had, got on boats and disappeared into the lands of dragons and the unknown.

The EUropean ancestors tried to kill anyone who was different, then hid under their beds.

Gross sterotypes? Yes, but true enough to resonate.

The very traits that made it possible to leave the known world for an unknown one are the traits that we think of as American. These are the traits that still frighten the EUrocrats. We think individually, but act collectively. We can stage vicious battles amongst ourselves, then close ranks against outsiders and tear them to bits.

I see EUrope like an addled, alcoholic, pervert grandpa. He's drunk all the time, couldn't tell his ass from his elbow, forces everybody to listen to his lies about "the good old days" and you can't leave him alone with the kids... he keeps trying to "give them a bath" while he's in the buff.

Once more, into the breach...

Well, we've had enough R&R and have recovered our full shopping strength. Rita and I are heading out on another sortie to capture small destructable items for the grandson. Preferably loud items to send home with his mother.

I've been considering hanging around in the toy department of Wal-Mart and giving out chocolate and Jolt cola to the kids whose parents leave them there while they shop.

"MOMMY... I WANT!!!! MY TUMMY HURTS... BLEACK!!!" all the way home...

that would teach the idiots...

Mack Daddy Arafat

Poor little ol' Arafat's upset, someone's trying to poach his street corner.

In an interview with Britain's Sunday Times newspaper, Arafat said he believed bin Laden and his al Qaeda network were using the Palestinian campaign for independence to gain support in the Islamic world.

"I'm telling him directly not to hide behind the Palestinian cause," Arafat said.

Translation: Don't y'all be all up in here tryin' to move in on my territory. These my ho's. Ain't nobody gonna be pimpin' these ho's but me. Now git on outta here like you done stole somepin.

Arafat said that al Qaeda had tried to justify attacks by claiming they were part of a campaign to seize control of Palestinian territories from Israel.

Translation: Damn fool Al-Quada tryin' ta get me killed. What the hell that boy thinkin'? I done seen what happened ta them fools over in Afghanistan and such. Gots me a good racket goin' here, and I ain't lettin' no fool mess it up. Get the hell away from me, fool!

He also dismissed as "big, big lies" claims by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon that al Qaeda had established a presence in the Palestinian-ruled areas of the Gaza Strip and in Lebanon.

"Sharon wants to cover his military attacks against the Palestinian people with a new face. He knows that there are no relations between al Qaeda and Palestine."

Translation: Just another instance of the man tryin' to keep a brotha down. No Al-Quada 'round these here parts, Mr. Sharon. (aside to posse) He show his face agin, you kick his ass to the curb, know what I'm saying. *muttering* Messin' 'round wit my ho's...damn fool Al-Quada, pop a cap in his ass what I'm gonna be doing.

Culture

This is what the internet is best used for.

I believe that the only way to learn about good art (as opposed to the PoMo idea of art - toilets in lucite, urine in bottles, paintings done in feces, etc) is to see a lot of it. Most folks will never get to see a large collection of great artists so they accept the trash as art.

Ah, but now you can.

A network connection and a computer will get you into damn near any museum or gallery in the world. You can collect Van Goghs and study the progression from his early, crude work, where his style was just beginning to show, to his late work that is like nothing done before.

Or Monet...

Or Dali...

Or (enter artist's name here)...

Go.Get.Some.Culture.Now.

Culture.
It's non-fattening, cures hoarsness, helps you lose weight, will bring peace in our time, settles unsettled tummies, contains fewer saturated fats, removes warts, makes men irresistable and women pliable, makes women sultry and puts men in their thrall, improves gas milage by 15 %, freshens your breath, eliminates that unfresh feeling, keeps your vegetables fresher longer, will grow your penis, will return your hair to its youthful look, does everything but the dishes, gives your breasts that perky, bouncy look, eliminates cellulite, removes unsightly hair, reduces the appearance of laugh lines, crow's feet and liver spots, improves orgasms...

This offer good only in my mind where my sky is orange and my sun grows green whiskers, so hand me that razor and hold the ladder

Another on-line Museum toy

This is a cool interactice guide to the Smithsonian American Museum. Another great way to isolate and withdraw from human interaction.

"So, when you are focusing on the computer and ignoring your family... how does that make you feel?"

"I am not spanking my monkey!!"

"There is no need to be defensive."

"I am not being defensive and if you don't leave now I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Violence is the refuge of small minded people."

"Small minded but big footed. Now watch me bury this size ten in your ..."

Have I mentioned the voices?

Artis Gratis Artis

I love this site. The Hermitage, in St Petersberg, has most of their collection online and searchable by media, artist, period or whatever.

The Tsar looted his country and spent the cash on art from all over Europe to convince the weenies that he had class and Russia was not a country of savages. I don't know that it did much good but he left one hell of a collection behind.

Now, the folks running the asylum have formed a partnership with IBM to get images of everything on line and it's a great way to waste an afternoon. The first time I found it, I finally came out of my trance to realize that it was four in the morning and I had to be at work in three and a half hours.

Rita and I love museums. Everytime we go to New York we set aside a day for The Met. The next time we go I want to spend a day at the Museum of American History, across Central Park from the Met. We went to DC for my birthday to see the Smithsonian and the National Gallery.

The reality of human shaped things from thousands of years ago is very humbling. I saw a shopping list in sumerian from about 3000 bc and had an epiphany... that poor bastard couldn't remember what he went to the store for either. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I wonder what these folks are doing now...

Most of the stuff here is old but if you like to see stuff blown up, check it out.

The Survival Research Labs has some really weird theatric destruction.

Why can't my neighbors be more like them?

I love this....

I'm not sure why... then again....

"Hearty woes and congratulations on your recent conquest of the Islets of Langerhans! "

"Many sausages have known things before you had time to react."

I like this one best so far:

"Dear Tom,
You seemed nice at first, and spoiled me with unconsciencable fruits, but now, you have gone too far! Assalting and recremending me in public, you have shown me that you are a man who does not care about losing a woman for the betterment of a pair of patent leather undergarments!
It is because of this unpardonable nature that I must dump you upon the carpet of suburban renewal! I know this is sudden, but I am sick of you. I will never be seen with you again, even if no other man will have me.
Angrily yours,
Jessica"

Back from safari...

We survived the trek to bag some trophy christmas presents.

Flannel lined jeans and some sweaters, long sleeved tee shirts, a chambray shirt, some other stuff and WE HAVE FINISHED!!

Uh... except for the toy department at Wal-Mart for the grandson. Neither of us was up for THAT this afternoon. We plan to go out trolling for hideous Christmas Yard Decorations tonight to contribute to Michele's collection and thought midnight would be a great time to toy shop there.

We stopped at Barnes and Nobels to recharge our caffein levels. The loser crew was on deck. We were left to figure out if the counter girl was stoned, stupid or both.

Me: "I'd like a doppio and a tea."

Her: "Huh?" confused look

Starbucks invented the term doppio. I've always gotten a blank look when I asked for a cafe doble and had to listen to some half-assed barista tell me "Oh, you mean a doppio." in a loud, condescending voice.

Me: "A.DOUBLE.ESPRESSO.AND.A.TEA."

Her: "Oh."

Her: "Do you want iced tea?"

Let's see... it's about 30 degrees out... hmmm... I wonder if Rita wants something cold?... no... I'm thinking something hot would be nice...

Me: "No, she wants hot tea."

Her: "Oh, uh, OK. Pick one from this rack." pointing to the tea display on the counter.

The rack was filled with flavored "teas", raspberry this and cherry that... yuck... the only real tea there was Earl Grey, too bitter for this time of day. Rita found a small tin of English Breakfast tea, sealed and for sale.

Rita: "Do you have any of this English breakfast tea open?"

Her: "Is there any there?"

Rita: "Just this small tin but it's not opened."

Her: "Is there any room for a big one there?"

WTF?... should we know the answer to this question... is this a password type test like "What's your favorite color?"... is the answer "blue"?...

Rita: "I don't know."

Her: "Uh, Ok." ...after rumaging around in the rack and finding it one can short of full...

She then turned and bent over to get another can of English Morning Tea out of the cabinet under the back counter. This view reminded me of a safari movie, when the group of hunters are crossing a river in deepest, darkest Africa and the hippos surface right beside the boat, almost capsizing them. It was wide, covered with a wrinkled gray material and looked very dangerous.

She then proceeded to open the tin of tea, first trying to break the seal with her fingernail and when that failed, she cast about for a spoon. Seeing one at the other end of the back counter, she meandered (yes, she meandered, she did not walk in a straight line even though the distance was less than ten feet) over and back, then continued to struggle with the one small piece of tape that stood between her and Rita's tea bag.
She got the tape cut.
She put the spoon down.
She opened the tin.
Put the lid down.
Picked up the spoon.
Pushed one tea bag out of the tin and into the cup with the spoon.
Put the spoon down.
Picked up the lid.
Resealed the tin.
Placed the tin in the rack.
Rearranged the tea rack.
Drew boiling water into the cup.
Picked the spoon up.
Pushed the tea bag under the water with the spoon.
Put the spoon down.
Put the tea down.
Looked for a lid for the tea.
Finally found lids right in front of her.
Picked up a lid.
Put the lid on the tea.

She stopped between each separate act as if to remember what came next in this complex process. I could hear the shrill grinding and squealing of the gears in her head.

She stared at me with a blank look for ten seconds until I asked her...

Me: "How much?"

A transaction that should have taken thirty seconds took ten minutes.

Her: "Thank you, please come again."

Not freakin' likely...

The stop was worth it though... I got Rita The Complete Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy... In hardcover and from the cut-out rack... a cheap good read...

A Hunting we will go...

I am the Great White Hunter. My trusty Indian Guide and I will be foraging for gifts for the offspring, siblings and parents.

We have equipped our expedition with plenty of smokes and plastic to ensure a successful safari.

"Come on baby, shopping safari..."

"Let's go shopping now, everybodys learnin' how, come on on safari with me..."

whisper
We are in the sporting goods department at Wal_Mart, carefully hidden in our shopping cart blind. I am trying to decide which weapon to use to bag that magnificent gun safe. My god, look at it in the display. A trophy if I've ever seen one.

I carefully take aim and squeeze off a purchase.

"I'll take that gun safe. Put it on my Mastercard."

Oh, what a feeling! The thrill of the hunt, stalking elusive prey, buying it then proudly tying it to the hood for the ride home. I think I'll leave it tied to the car for a day or so, just so the neighbors can appreciate what a Great White Hunter I am.

Whatta week...

I've been in PERL class all week and it left me very tired.

The instructor is very passionate about the power of PERL and knows it inside and out ( Thanks Martin!) so the class was excellent. The only trouble I had was seeing. I wear tri-focals and to see the big screen and the keyboard required constant putting on and taking off of my glasses.

I will be posting more over the weekend.

NYC Taken Over By Morons

Just when I thought the Mayor's anti-smoking crusade couldn't possibly get any more stupid, I ran across this:

The city Health Department is warning doctors they could face malpractice suits if they don't push patients to kick the smoking habit - stunning physicians around the city who've never heard of such a case.

"Because physician intervention can be so effective, failure to provide optimal counseling and treatment is failure to meet the standard of care - and could be considered malpractice!" the newsletter states.

That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Darlin', our favorite city is being taken over by morons. Are you sure we want to go back there next year?

Trent Lott

Neither of us has posted about Trent so far, it's well covered elsewhere, and it's not like we were particularly surprised. In fact, on the night of the last election, one of us remarked that the down side to the Republicans regaining control of Congress was that Trent would be Majority Leader.

But then I saw this. Trent's calling a news conference for this afternoon, at which he plans to expand on his apology.

Trent, I have a few short words of wisdom for you. Put down the shovel. Stop. Digging. Ain't no amount of grinnin', shuckin' & jivin' or snake oil gonna fix this. Pick up your toys and go home.

Jackass of the Day

The smoking Nazis have struck again.

Mayor Bloomberg and City Council leaders announced yesterday that they've reached a long-awaited deal to ban smoking in most indoor public spaces - including bars, nightclubs and restaurants.

Jackass.

Bloomberg, who's on an anti-smoking crusade, conceded that he didn't get everything he wanted.

He downplayed the exclusions as "nothing substantive" and hailed the compromise as a life saver for 1,000 people a year who die from second-hand smoke.

I'd like to see how the ex-smoker Mayor came up with that figure, cuz I'm thinking he pulled it out of his ass.

Nothing more sanctimonious than a reformed whore, is there?

Many Thanks

Rodger over at Curmudgeonly & Skeptical has done the nicest posting about us. And his picture illustration captures our blog theme perfectly, I think. As for what he says about me:

Rita is, well, just a good saucy lawyer wench with wonderful humor

Pretty apt description of me, wouldn't you say Mike?

Rodger's been a favorite daily read of mine as well for quite a while. Funny, sick & twisted, general all-around down-home smart nice guy. What more could you want? So go give him a read if you haven't already, & tell him we sent you.

U.N. Report Names Suppliers

Hmmm, now this could explain a lot.

Iraq's declaration of its weapons programs could identify countries or firms that supplied its nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs, according to a table of contents obtained Monday by CNN.

Mein Gott! This could be very embarrassing, n'est ce pas?

Why I'm still pissed...

Why can't I just get over it?

One of my early memories is riding down Broadway in the back of my dad's car to the old ferry terminal at Battery Park. We were going to visit one of my Dad's war buddies on Staten Island and we went by ferry. I remember being mesmerized by all the lights and the swirl of activity.

Once on the ferry we piled out of the car and ran upstairs to watch the city recede behind us. The cool wind off the harbor had me huddling up against my Mom as I stared between the railings. I thought, "What a truly wonderful place. Why can't we live here?"

I didn't make it back to the city til 1971 when I stopped off for a few days with some friends on our way to New Hampshire. We split up to hitchhike and planned to "...meet at the fountain in Central Park." No one told us there were hundreds of fountains in the park and needless to say, we never hooked up. I was a hippy, stoned to the bone and unwashed. Hanging out in Washington Square Park with my buddy, Mike Spears, singing for coins and panhandling. We were sleeping on the roof of an apartment building in the east village and woke up every morning to the sun lighting up those jagged, half built buildings. The towers were under construction and the lower part of the shafts already had their skin while the upper ends were just raw skeletons poking into the sky.

A few years later I worked structural steel, climbing iron to fit beams and columns together, and I wished I had gotten the chance to work on those towers. I never worked higher than sixty feet above the street but I used to imagine what it was like to be one hundred floors up, wind blowing you around, wrestling twenty ton beams into place.

It must have been like playing for the Yankees.

Again, it was a few years until I could get back to the city. I was living in Florida and my Grandfather had died in Cleveland. I flew up for the funeral and on the way back back stopped for a day long layover in New York.

My best friend had moved to the East Village to pursue his lifelong dream of being a film grunt. I met up with him at the Starbucks on the corner of Spring and Crosby. The film career was off to a slow start but he has since become an in-demand stage manager.

We went back to his SRO and as I backed into the room, turned around and sat on the side of the bed, I looked out the window. There, framed by safety bars, were the twin towers, dominating the sky. His room was blocks away, down the street from the old Hell's Angels clubhouse and just off Broadway but when I looked out the window that was all I saw. Two shiny bricks, standing on end.

I've been back to New York quite a few times as I've gotten older and I can afford it. A few days after a business trip to South America. A spontaneous trip for a three day weekend.

Then I met Rita. She had flown through NY twice but had never actually been there and when we decided to get married we thought "What better place than the city?" We got a room in the Financial district over Labor Day weekend (cheap rates then) and spent a week just walking around the southern tip of Manhattan. We took the subway to 73rd, got off and walked to the Met, we went to MoMA, saw Pooh at the Library and generally did the traditional best of the tourist thing.

We got married by a Rabbi on Staten Island on Labor Day. Riding the ferry to get hitched, we watched Manhattan slip away and marveled at the size of those towers. We spent our honeymoon in the shadows of the World Trade Centers.

On our last visit, in February of this year, we had to stay up on Thirty-Fourth St, far north of the neighborhoods we've enjoyed so much. When we did get down to Battery Park the stench of burning still hung in the air. Trucks were hauling wreckage through the streets and the shops we had visited on earlier trips were either closed or penned in by barricades.

At a coffee shop on Jamaica where we had tea and espresso every morning during our honeymoon, the same fellow was at the counter but he was a changed man. On our last visit we had shared lively conversation with he and his wife, discussing the weather and business and coffee and whatever came up. Now, he was grim and somber. I looked around for his wife but she was nowhere to be seen and I didn't want to ask after her for fear that she was in one of the buildings when they collapsed.

And that is why I will not give it up nor will I get over it.

I have never actually lived in New York City but it is my town. It is part and parcel of my life. I have friends there, some of whom I don't even know their names, folks who have greeted me when I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, who gave me a blanket when I slept on the street or a quarter when I was hungry. These are some of the best folks I have ever met.

Those people fucked with my town and keep saying they are gonna do it again.

I say kill them. Smash them into bits. Destroy them wherever they hide and burn whatever is left.

Ask no quarter and offer none.

Sow their fields with salt. It worked for Carthage...

Quote of the Day

"If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves." -- Winston Churchill

(Shamelessly stolen from RightWingNews)

Any questions? No? Good. Game on!

Al-Quada Is Woofing Again

New threats from Al-Quada surfaced today on the web. (Oops, Freudian slip, I mean here. I don't know how that happened.)

Al-Qaida threatened faster, harder strikes against the United States and Israel in a statement attributed to the group that appeared on a militant Web site Sunday.

Faster, harder, deeper! Oh baby, oh baby! *brays* You guys been watching Mohammed Does Camels again, haven't you?

"The Jewish Crusader coalition will not be safe anywhere from the fighters' attacks," the audio statement said, using a term common among Islamic militants for what they see as a U.S.-Israeli alliance.

Yes, it is I, the caped Jewish Crusader, along with my coalition partner, G.I. Joe, making the world safe for The Children^TM.

We will hit the most vital centers and we will strike against its strategic operations with all possible means."

Ah yes, suicide bombers, the ultimate non-renewable resource.

The statement was attributed to al-Qaida spokesman Sulaiman Abu Ghaith. The site, which has posted previous statements attributed to the terror network, included what appeared to be a photograph taken from a video frame of Abu Ghaith.....

....The pan-Arab satellite station Al-Jazeera broadcast parts of the audio version and said the voice sounded similar to that on past al-Qaida videotapes featuring Abu Ghaith.

For a limited time only, Songs of the 7-11, featuring the vocalistic stylings of Abu...wait, that was Apu....nevermind.

"We will chase the enemy using the weapon of 'terror' by widening fighting fronts and conducting more concentrated and faster operations ... so (the enemy) feels unsafe and unstable on land, air and sea," the statement said.

Your puny threats do not frighten me.

G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe,
Fighting man from head to toe.
On the land, on the sea, in the air.

Twit.

But wait, there's more!

The United States and its allies want to "protect the Jewish occupiers and achieve their expansionist dream of setting up a (Jewish) state between the Nile and Euphrates," he said. The Euphrates river runs from Turkey to Iraq through Syria.

No, no, no. You've gotten it all wrong. *Sigh* Do I have to do everything? It goes like this:

From the halls of Montezuma,
To the shores of Tripoli.
We will fight our country's battles,
On the land or on the sea.

First to fight for right and freedom,
And to keep our honor clean.
We are proud to wear the title
of United States Marine.

Coming soon to a desert near you.

Why am I here?

I don't know about you, but I'm here because I'm an opinionated person who would lose all my friends (both of them!) if I loosed this vitriol, bile and sarcasm on folks within hearing range.

This venue is a lot safer and if you don't want to listen, the back button is at the top left of your browser. You can also use the backspace key or alt-F4. The little X up in the other corner will do the trick too.

Don't let the door hit you where the dog bit you.

I plan to rant about politics, religion, stupid people and dogs as well as share some of my recipes. I may also write about whatever the hell strikes me on any given day. My plans rarely go as planned so we shall see.

Politics - I am neither right or left... I don't accept the linear demarcation favored by some... I look at political systems from the viewpoint of "The Man in the Street"... to me, Stalin, Mao and Hitler were identical triplets... I am more wary of left wing fascists than those on the right. It's easy to kill a jack-booted thug to protect your freedom. Smacking around a gray haired granny, who is only trying to save you from yourself, but is just as dangerous to your freedom, is much more difficult. Remember Prohibition? Brought to you by well meaning little old ladies who were just looking out for The Children^TM?

Religion - I was raised Baptist and Methodist and Completed Jew and whatever the hell else the P's were into at one point or another. After the second time I caught a preacher ministering to a choir mistress in a baptistmal pool in a church (two different preachers, two different choir mistresses, two different pools, two different churches... what is it with Baptists? Real horny folk, I tell ya...) I searched and prayed and chanted and burned insense and... ended up with a philosopy that goes kinda like this:
I think there might be a god. I don't know. I have too little data to determine its existence and be certain. Its existence is not real high on my list of things to figure out anymore, so I don't worry about it. I try my best to take a taoist attitude about life.There is pain and joy and ease and hardship in life. Pay attention, learn and it is a hell of a lot of fun. Find life rules that work and live by them.
I admire and respect those who truly believe and who do not attempt to convert. My mother was a christian who taught me most of what I know about being decent. What little that stuck has done me a world of good.

Stupid People - What more can I say. People who drive into flooded rivers, people who get shot with their own guns, people who eat themselves huge and want to sue over it, people who vote for people who want to raise taxes, people who do not learn the lessons paid for with the blood of others. Stupidity can be very entertaining but remember, don't try this at home and stay behind the yellow tape.

Dogs - I love our dogs, Sassy and Sollie. An Akita and a Pug. Stan and Ollie. Abbot and Costello. Andre the Giant and some wrasslin' midget from Mexico. Sassy is so smart we can't even spell O-U-T-S-I-D-E without her getting all excited and going to the door like "Hey, you spelled outside... let's go!". Sollie is not quite that brite. Yeah... he's the 30 watt bulb in the house. He can keep a lap warm and looks damn fine in a sweater but he only answers to Bob when he has the blue jacard one on and Essness when he wears the gray sweatshirt-sorta-thing that Rita got him. A styling dog, no doubt about it. Hmmmm... could he be a reincarnated male model? Makes me wonder...

Recipes - I cooked professionally for about 15 years, everything from five star french to hash-house diners and have collected a lot of recipes in my noggin. I've been meaning to get them down in writing and this seems as good a place as any.
Such as:
Roasted duck with plum demiglace
Pork loin with a roasted apple/garlic glaze
Chicken Paprikash
Beef Stroganoff
Smoked Salmon Mousse (the cold spread not that boiled crap the English serve)

So, come back anytime... but keep your feet off the furniture... and turn the lights off when you leave.

Oh, and make sure the door is locked behind you. This is a white collar neighborhood but I've read about that kind of crime being on the rise and all so just jiggle the doorknob and make sure, OK?

Creamy New England Clam Chowder

Rita and I just sat down to a lunch of some of my semi-world-famous clam chowder.

Did I hear someone ask "How can I make me some of that soup?"

I got a little recipe here, wanna see it? It goes kinda like this:

2 tblsp olive oil
2 tblsp butter
4 tblsp flour
1 small can of chopped clams
1 small bottle of clam juice
1 medium can of diced cooked white potatos
3 slices of hickory smoked bacon
1 small peeled carrot
1 medium leek
2 stalks of celery
fresh ground pepper
habanero sauce

Slice the bacon and start it frying in a covered pan on low heat in the olive oil.

Clean the leek (cut off the roots and wash it), chop it to the start of the green part about 1/8 inch thick. Do the same with the carrot and celery.

Add all the veggies when the bacon has cooked to the point of being translucent (you can kinda, sorta see through the fatty part). Also add fresh ground pepper and some salt (both to taste). Stir occasionally. Keep the pan covered except when stirring.

Drain the chopped clams (save that juice!) and add the clams to the pot right after you add the veggies. Add the habenero sauce at the same time. I use two drops for about two quarts of finished soup (it's that potent)

When the celery starts to get translucent add the butter and stir til it's melted. Then add the flour and stir till it soaks up all the oil and coats everything.

DO NOT TRY TO HURRY THE PROCESS! All of this is done over a slow burner so that nothing gets scorched. A slow burner is just less than a 1/4 inch of flame on a gas stove.

Cook about 15 minutes after adding the flour, stirring occasionally and keeping the pot covered when you aren't stirring.

Add the clam juice and the juice drained from the chopped clams and stir until well mixed. The soup will start to thicken at this point.

Add the potatos and stir gently. Be careful to not smash the taters.

Cover and allow to cook for another half hour or so, stirring every now and then.

The soup base is now finished. You can store it in the fridge like this for days or even freeze it for later, as long as it's sealed from contact with the air.

To make it into soup you have to add the milk/creme or any combination of the two.

Figure out how much soup you want to make and put half that amount in a sauce pan. Heat the soup base til it's warm all the way through (yup... stir it) and add the cooresponding amount of cow juice. Bring the mixture to a simmer and it's done.

It ain't low-cal but it will fill you up on a cold day.

But are they selling any in Haiti?

I found this over at Drudge

From the article:

The 12in toys include figures representing Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, George W. Bush and even Tony Blair.

As an extra satirical touch they are sold with an optional pink dress or kinky bondage outfit. But the dolls, called The Butcher of Baghdad, The Dirty Terrorist and The British Ally, among others, have sparked a wave of criticism

Maybe this is part of the CIA's PsyOps for the
Total Destruction of Iraq^TM

Testing

Buckle your seat belt boys, it's going to be a bumpy ride.