The Church of the Blinding White Light of Stupidity

Just a little flic for you folks...

I was pointed to this little film clip about a month ago (either by Juan Gato or Frank over at IMAO or maybe just some random page I ended up at)...

Anyway... I thought I would post it so you could download it to your harddrive and watch it any time you want...

I knew I hated that cunt for a good reason...

Hilliary Clinton, defender of murderers... not just murderers, but murderers who torture their victims before they kill them...

Read.It.All.

Now, tell me again about how she is going to be our first woman president...

Condi in 2008!!!

Spotted at nikita demosthenes house...

Nice Poll Question... it's a wonder you don't fall over on your left side...

But hows about giving me some appropriate answers to choose from? Maybe it is too much to ask for these butt monkeys to be consistant with their wording?

This question in a poll over at MSNBC/Newsweek got my dander up...

7. Has the mainstream news media given enough scrutiny to the Bush Administration's war plans and statements about Iraq?

Given enough scrutiny
Too uncritical
Don't know

This is like those logic tests that we all took in High School.

Which item does not belong in the list?
Vulva
Tadpole
Dildo

Let's look at the words they chose to use...

scrutiny
n 1: the act of examining something closely (as for mistakes) [syn: examination, inspection] 2: a prolonged intense look

critical
adj 1: marked by a tendency to find and call attention to errors and flaws; "a critical attitude" [ant: uncritical]

So I don't get to answer that I think the media have been too critical? Start at the middle and only allow answers that move towards the preferred position or professed ignorance? You could almost assume that the creators of this question had a preconceived outcome.

I would like to poll these writers on some issues that are important to me.

1 When you awake in the morning what is the first thing you do?

a - A chicken
b - Try to pull my head out of my ass but give up as it takes too much effort.
c - I'm stupid.

2 Have you stopped taking Exctasy?
a - The second door to the left.
b - I plan to quit getting high as soon as I get my head out of my ass.
c - I'm stupid.

3 What was your first sexual experience?
a - a goat.
b - The sky is chartreuse. No, brown. Definitely brown.
c - I'm stupid.

4 Should we nuke Iraq into a puddle of glowing glass?
a - Only after skinning all the Republican Guards and Saddam's entire family.
b - Are we there yet, are we there yet?
c - I'm stupid.

Oh well... you might think I had a preconceived ideal for the outcome...

I know I'm right so it doesn't matter if I fudged the results, all that matters is that my heart was in the right place, just to the left of my sternum... or is it to the right...

MoDo & The Warrior

Maureen Dowd's reveals a yearning for something.

On this, our annual Sunday saturnalia of manliness, we will see a lot of body-slamming, nacho-gorging and beer-hawking.

Mmmm,mmmm, oh yeah baby...ain't it great?

Behind all these tableaus of testosterone, a disturbing question lurks: Are men losing interest in sex?

Women's libidos may be surpassing men's, USA Today says. Now it is the men who plead headaches and the women who feel grumpy, deprived and inclined to cheat.

Speak for yourself, sister. I've noticed nothing of the sort.

With relief, I suddenly remembered that America will never have to worry about spiraling into impotence as long as we have . . . Rummy!

Square-jawed, man's man Rummy has been so out-of-control macho lately, he pulls up the curve on swaggering for his whole gender.

Not that that's a bad thing....Rummy's a manly man no doubt. We could use a few more like him. Why, if I weren't married...nevermind.

The rest of her column reads like a bad romance novel. It appears MoDo has the hots for Rummy's steely manhood. Her lips say "No, No," but her eyes say "Yes, Yes."

Can't you just hear that conversation?

"Oh Rummy, take me, ravage me."

"Honey, I wouldn't do you with Bill Clinton's dick."

Therein lies her problem.

A Tin Foil Hat, with stereo...

Rita and I went to Sam's today to pick up the bi-monthly supplies. While there we came across a cool product, a bike helmet with headphones. The speakers work via bone conduction so it doesn't interfere with hearing traffic noise.

I want to get one and wrap it in foil (one layer shiny side out, to protect my brain from remote control and one layer shiny side in to keep my thoughts from being read) then wear it to work. We are not allowed to wear headphones but this would be a medical device... Really...

To The Protestors

To all the anti-war protestors:

Stop kidding yourselves. You are a extremely small minority of American. You have had, at best, a few tens of thousands at your "marches for peace." As of this morning, there have been a reported 3.2 million signatures on Defend America's Thank You note to our military. Most of us are much smarter than you give us credit for. We understand that it's not about the oil, empire or any of the other foolishness you're saying. It's about people being used as test subjects for poison gas; men, women and children being tortured and killed by a dictator. And it's about taking out a dictator who not only is trying to acquire nuclear weapons, but is also actively aiding and abetting terrorists who want to kill us all....yourselves included. Look around you. This isn't the 60's and Iraq is not Vietnam. If you are too self-delusional to understand and appreciate this, then I just have one thing to say to you:

Pack up your tacky little signs in your SUVs, and go home.

(To sign the thank you note, go here)

Kewl toy...

Check this out.... XP Icons at war...

Shooting Snake Eyes...

This British tanker has the look down...

Soldiers from one of Britain’s most illustrious regiments added a splash of colour to their uniforms by adopting Snake-eye goggles as they started war training yesterday.

Sweeet... this ought to scare the bejesus out of those Iraqi fellas...

Crying Time Part Deux

And today's final Jeopardy category is..."When to Bomb Iraq". Remember your answer must be in the form of a question, players...good luck.

*theme music*

Time's up players, let's see your answers. Anti-war protestor, your answer is "What is No Blood for Oil." I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Bombing Iraq is about weapons of mass destruction & preventing the deaths of innocent victims, not oil.

France, you answered "What is in a year or two after the inspections are completed?" Oh, I'm sorry, that too is incorrect. Inspections have already shown that Iraq has violated the U.N. resolutions against such weapons. There's no need for them to continue.

G.I. Joe, what is your answer?

"What is right after the Super Bowl, Alex"

That is correct, G.I. Joe, when all the troops are in place and before the heat of the summer. And what was your wager? Everything, as usual, which makes you today's winner.

Tune in tomorrow, as G.I. Joe will compete against the Mossad and the Navy SEALs to see who can take out the most terrorists.

Goodbye.

But they're our useful idiots...

It was cold but they came to stand up for themselves... till their little toesy-wozies fwozies...

I'm a Vet!
No you're not!
No, I am, really.
Then get away from me you baby killer!

I'm staying here until the Shrub calls off his dogs of war

Fuck this, I'm outta here!

It's crying time...

Chemical warheads found....
Documents found showing the Iraqis have an ongoing nuclear program...
Americans destroy 8 Iraqi communication facilities...
Bush returns from Camp David one day early...

Could it be time?

tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc

Take care in what you ask for...

Michele's blog is so inspirational...

Anarchists are idiots... there is no other way to put it.

{addressing the assorted loonies}
You morons should do the math when it comes to ignoring the law.

If you make the laws irrelevent by insisting on breaking them whenever it suits you, others might get the idea that what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Anarchy means no one enforcing the law. It means there is no law to enforce.

Oh, you don't mean that anarchy?

You want just a little anarchy? How much is enough and who gets to decide when enough is enough?

Oh, now I understand... you want to be able to go out and break shit when you're pissed and steal things when you don't have money but corporations and governments and gangs and other organised groups shouldn't be able to do that or be able to tell you what to do or even stop you from doing what you want and they should even do what you tell them to do and you get to decide when you will work and how much you will get paid and... WTF?!

What the hell did your Mom do to you during your potty training? Did your she use one of those radio-controlled dog collars? Did she ever wean you off the tit or do you have to home soon for a feeding? You have some seriously fucked up ideas knocking around your head.

You're saying that you and your asshole buddies should be absolute dictators...

Understand, none of this is meant as a threat, this is just the logical extension of what you say you want.

Boys and girls on the anarcist left, right or middle, I want you to take note of who owns the guns and knows how to use them.

Uh, yup... it ain't you...

If it's OK for you to threaten me and mine, then it's OK for me to place a few pieces of lead in your body cavity (at high velocity) to prevent you from hurting me. Who is going to stop me? Remember, no cops...

Your cry of "Down with the pigs" and your actions to undermine authority do not create a problem for me as I can and will defend myself and my family no matter how chaotic the situation gets. I own weapons of individual destruction and practice good gun control.

You, on the other hand, are not prepared to survive anarchy.

Break my windows, I break your legs. Burn my shop, I burn your hair. Threaten my life, I take yours.

How far are you willing to go? I'll go all the way.

We had anarchy here in the Ozarks, from about 1840 to about 1880, and it produced some interesting groups. Check out these links to what anarchy brings to the common man:

Bushwhackers and Jayhawkers

Red Legs

Quantrill's Raiders

Under the guise of supporting abolition or slavery (depending on the group) these folks raped, murdered and pillaged this area from around 1848 till the late 1870s.

The US Army and various US Marshalls did their best to protect the people and Judge Parker (known as The Hanging Judge) finally got it under control by trying and hanging as many of these folks as his Marshalls could catch. There were more Marshalls killed in the line of duty than killers hung at Ft Smith.

Oh, but you don't support the death penalty...

I can imagine anti-globalization and radical environmentalism as well as the crazies on the other side getting just as out of control in a state of anarchy. I would prefer that not happen. If it means hunting your asses down and sending you to prison (say, you sure got a purty mouth) then so be it...

You will not win, we will not sink back into that pit we clawed our way out of just because you don't like the system.

Now go home, it's your dinner time and your mommy is lactating.

When I was a young hippy...

I started this rant in Michele's comments and decided to bring it over here and finish it...

Ah... the memories... sleeping in Rock Creek Park... chanting on the mall... standing in the reflecting pool between the Washington and Lincoln monuments, naked, with a Wonderbread bag full of joints, protesting the Vietnam war... drinking wine and smoking pot, feeling all buzzy and superior... screwing with hippy chicks and talking about how we were changing the world as we relaxed in the warm afterglow...

Then waking up to the reeducation camps, the Mekong river jammed with bodies, so many that they floated across the sea to wash up on the shores of the Phillipines... Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge... millions of innocent dead...

I.WAS.WRONG.

I was clueless about how you stop bad people from doing bad things. Kind words and reasoned responses are wasted on sociopaths. You have to kill them to stop them.

Make no mistake, Saddam, et al are certifiably crazy and before you go branding our government with the same diagnoses, have you ever dealt with a paraniod schizophrenic?

Me "Hello."
PS "If you ever say that about my Mom again, I'll kill you!"
Me "Huh?"

All the folks who want an easy way out are welcome to go stand in front of these psycos and hope that makes a difference. They don't have the right to drag me and mine into the path of destruction. I will support turning the middle east into a sea of glass before I will allow the Islamofacists to do the same to us. Just as they refuse to allow Israel the right to exist in any way, shape or form ("We will push the jews into the sea") they will pick at the western world until they destroy us.

This isn't about the oil. It isn't about harmless differences of philosophy between Islamofacists and the western world. If they were Amish we would just walk away.

They are not Amish (No Shit!), they will not stop till the rest of the world is under their thumb, all women are subjugated, everyone prays five time a day while facing Mecca and the local imam calls every tune. They have shown that nothing less will satisfy them.

We Will Kill You
Sung to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me"

Yes, we will kill you
Yes, we will kill you
Yes, we will kill you
The Koran tells us so

So, go be a shield for peace, protest to your hearts content. Wander around in your self-induced buzz of moral superiority, looking down on those armed forces schmucks who will try to make sure that no one kills you.

The defense department buys body bags in lots of a thousand. Please carry proper identification so the graves registration folks can return your remains to your family. It's the decent thing to do.

Cold Calls...

I just got a call from SBC to ask me if I wanted to change my long distance service...

Not just no but hell no.

... and next time, hire someone who speaks english... it took me two minutes to figure out what the hell he was saying... sheesh...

I haven't been slacking...

Really, I haven't.

I've been making the world safe for retail. It's what I do... well, that and making some very scary signs warning folks about connecting the lab network to the production network.

Think...

"Don't cross the streams, Ray!"
"Would that be a bad thing?"
"That would be a VERY BAD THING, Ray."

My Homies...

I ate lunch today with some of my workmates at a nice little family run Mexican bodega and while waiting to be seated I spied these in a gumball machine.

Miniature Homies

I got Oso, Babydoll and Chula.

I really liked the tag-line on the machine... "Collect the whole neighborhood"

This is cool art.... and cheap too... I may buy them all and stage plays with them... imagine, actors that have no opinion on politics.

Methusela's Daughter

Found via a comment on Michele's site, this is an interesting concept and may play out very well.

The author is well hidden and it is very well written. I like it.

Check it out...

Idiot of the Day

No, no, I double dog dare you to stick your tongue to the bus shelter.

What a maroon!

Mouse what?

Looking through the logs I came across this as a referrer search phrase...

5 pounds of mouse testacles will help you do what

I don't even want to know...

Still sick...

I waited till a everyone else was just about done being sick and now I'm feeling like a piece of homemade sh*t. At least I've not dropped into the pit of sick that swallowed Rita and Justin. I won't go into scatalogical detail but if we were to describe the misery they experienced as a fight with Ali, I am getting beat up by the chess team. I still cannot wander too far from the porceline throne but I haven't passed out on the bathroom floor either.

So far, anyway...

and...

I.Have.Not.Puked.

yet...

Fried Chicken

In light of all the fuss about PETA & their boycott of KFC, I have decided to divulge my semi-world famous secret fried chicken recipe. Like to hear it? Here it goes....

Chicken pieces
Crisco shortening
Milk
Flour
Salt
Pepper
Lawry's Seasoning Salt

Take the chicken pieces and soak in a bowlful of milk. It can be regular milk, buttermilk, Pet milk...it don't matter just as long as there's enough to pretty much cover the chicken pieces. While that soaks, melt enough Crisco in your heavy-duty cast iron skillet to fill the skillet about half full. If you don't have a skillet like this, then just forget it. You can't make good fried chicken without one.

Put about 1-2 cups flour in a pie tin. Add about a teaspoon salt, grind some fresh pepper over it, and add about a half teaspoon Lawry's Seasoning Salt. Mix thoroughly.

Take a piece of chicken out of the milk, roll in the flour mixture until well-coated, then place in skillet. Repeat until skillet is full, but with no chicken touching another piece. Adjust heat until chicken is frying slowly. Place tight fitting lid on skillet, and cook for about 15 minutes. Take lid off; Chicken should be golden brown on one side; turn chicken. Replace lid and cook about 10 minutes. Remove lid; turn chicken and cook for an additional 5-10 minutes. Remove chicken from skillet and drain on paper towels.

All cooking times & measurements are approximate, because I don't mess with crap like that. With a little experimentation, you too can make good fried chicken. If you mess up, save it in the freezer. You can always throw it at protestors the next time PETA is in town.

Sick, sick, sick...

I am fighting the bug which has brought the rest of the house to its collective knees...

I.Will.Not.Puke.

Bullies...

Michele, over at A Small Victory, is having some trouble with a bully. Well, her son DJ is having trouble with a bully.

My daughter had a problem like that in Florida.

Some gang-banger bitches told her she was going to screw their boyfriend or they would beat her down. This was in 7th grade.

I had a very bad reputation for psyco violence when I was younger and most folk didn't know that I had sobered up, leaving all that behind. One of the girl's brothers found out they were messing with my daughter and told them to leave her alone. He convinced them that I would kill them all, dump their bodies in a gator hole and they would never be found.

I would never have done that at any time in my life. I might have beat the crap out of them but never cold-blooded murder.

I showed up at school, only knowing that she was having some trouble with a girl. They saw me standing in the hall, waiting for the principal. I looked at them, I guess rather coldly, but I was just pissed in general and had no idea who they were. They thought I was sizing them up as gator-meat.

They ran out of the school and got busted for skipping class. In the process all the gang crap came out because they told the principal and the school cop that "Libby's dad is here to kill us!".

I had just spent an hour talking to both of them about the problems my daughter was having, that she had come home bruised, that I thought someone was threating her. Calm, rational discussion about "...how are we going to deal with this situation?..." and had been reassured if there was anything going on the "Resource Officer" would get to the bottom of it.

He did. Get to the bottom of the deal, that is. It turned out that the boyfriend was 19 and was sleeping with (and pimping) 4 or 5 seventh graders. I wonder if he is out of prison yet... probably not. The State of Florida frowns on that kind of behavior.

The girls were shoplifting, prostituting and selling drugs so they were "removed" from the environment. We moved to Arkansas that summer, partly because of the gangs in the schools.

About six weeks after we got here, a friend of Libby's called. Another friend was riding in a car and had been shot and killed in a "gang related incident". Thirteen years old. What a fucking waste.

A Pranking We Will Go...

I went over here from here and it got me to thinking about all the pranks we pulled as single young men who were heavily medicated and under the influence of hormones.

We sent a friend to Jamaica after his bachelor party and smeared limberger in the heater core of another's car.

But there is more...

There was a waiter at a steakhouse I worked for that had the nasty habit of eating off the drainboard. When the busboys cleaned the tables they brought the dirty dishes into the kitchen and put them on a drainboard where the dish washers would scrape the food off into the trash and wash the dishes.

Not everyone finishes their dinner and often large chunks of steak or baby-back ribs got thrown away. This fellow would run into the dishroom, grab something off a plate, wolf it down and run back out. He really liked the baby-back ribs and we decided to break him of the habit.

Buzzo, our seafood cook, took a short rack of ribs and soaked it in Tabasco then coated it with Cayenne pepper. He put the doctored ribs on a sizzle platter on top of the oven for a few hours then he built the perfect setup plate. A few chewed-on ribs, some wilted garnish, a half eaten potato, a messy ramiken of BBQ sauce and the plate lacked only the payload, the Ribs From Hell.

This waiter also kept a glass of ice water on the corner of the drainboard so I emptied the glass, replaced the ice and filled it with white vinegar. Buzzo placed the plate in position and we retreated from that area, just far enough to see but not be seen.

In he came, saw the ribs, could not resist, ate the ribs...

The look on his face when the pepper hit was priceless. When the vinegar hit it was better. He later described it as "Drinking napalm".

The poor fellow emptied his breakfast, lunch and dinner into the garbage can and couldn't talk for the rest of the night.

That was the last time I saw him eat off the drainboard.

Useful Idiots?

michele posts that there's been about 100,000 people who have volunteered as "human shields" for Iraq. Interestingly, no one quite knows when they'll arrive. If they're anything like the anti-war protesters we've seen around here, my suspicion is that most of them won't.

Case in point: yesterday, we were on our way to do our weekly shopping, and there were a handful of anti-war protesters at the intersection near the mall. About 8-10 or so very earnest sign wavers. One actually had a sign with which I agreed--"Dissent is American" or something like that. Most were pretty predictable...it's about the oil (prompted Mike to start yelling out the window in his best Tin Man voice "Ooooiiiilll me!"), we're a democracy (no, we're a representative republic. Jesus, I wish you people would learn a little American history. I'll pass on the "rule of the mob" thanks), and something about pro-war people were being brainwashed by The Man ^TM. The latter sign was held by a young 20-ish kid, prompting Mike to yell "What the hell do you think these people are doing to you?"

Anyway, Mike & I spent some of our 1 1/2 hr. shopping trip plotting discussing a way to dress up in some "Men in Black" suits, park in the corner of the adjacent lot, and start photographing the protestors to see what they would do. He would run the camera, and I would stand to one side, acting as security, earpiece, sunglasses, the whole bit. We couldn't think of anyone who had a black Crown Victoria though, and were also a bit leery of whether or not we would get arrested, but thought it would be great fun.

We exit the shopping center, and are shocked to discover the protestors had abandoned their posts, and were gathered around several SUV's....I supposed patting themselves on the back & getting ready to go pick up their kids from soccer practice. What the hell? I guess they just don't make protestors like they used to...the Freedom March has turned into let's stand around waving our signs for a bit then adjourn to the nearest coffee shop before it becomes too inconvenient.

No serious follow-through, these folks. I think we'll see something similar with the "human shields," many have volunteered, but few show up.

Useful? Marginally. Idiots? Definitely.

He Who Laughs Last....

Our recent trash pick-up problems reminds of an incident that happened a few years ago when my kids & I were living on the north side of Fayetteville in a subdivision. The driver of the recycling truck was a real idiot. We never knew when he would show up, but we couldn't put the bin out the night before because the neighborhood dogs would scatter it everywhere. And if it wasn't in the bin, the driver wouldn't stop.

Early one morning, about 6:30 am, I was out walking our dog, and my son was getting ready for work. Here comes the recycling truck. No one has their bins out yet, because he's never been that early. My son says "Look at that jack-ass, he's laughing." All down my street, people are running out in their pajamas with their recycling bins, and he's driving past all of them, laughing. My son is getting angry because the driver is such a jerk. I remark that I don't know why he's laughing, it just means he'll have twice as much to pick up the next week.

Sure enough, the next week he's out there pissing & moaning loudly because there's so much stuff it takes him twice as long to run his route. I laughed. I love to see karma in action.

The Trash Saga Continues...

WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET THE GODDAMN TRASHMEN TO PICK UP HIS GARBAGE?

I bag it.
I keep it neat.
I recycle.
It's doused with ammonia so the Wild Dogs of Fayettenam won't spread it around.

It's been two weeks. Lazy bastards.

The Norwegian Blogger Strikes Again

VValberg hits another one out of the park with this Misting of a moron's syphilic brain fart.

I used to think like this young fellow but after I quit doing drugs and got a lot of therapy I figured out that I was full of shit and got over it.

Hint for the kids: LSD never makes thing clearer!

While you're there, check out the hosting site for this tripe.

"Aliens did my Ma and I got no Pa!"

"Dammit son, I told you. I got drunk on the beach with those sailors and nine months later, you were born. Now shut up and get Momma another beer. And pull your collar up over your gills."

Folks, I have a fat-assed internet pipe and these dolts designed a bunch of web pages so horrifically glommed up with animations, .gifs, gimracks and geegaws that they took forever to load over DSL and the music started my seizures again. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LOAD THIS LINK OVER DIALUP.

... and these assholes claim to be an advanced feces species.

Shell Game

I-raq is still running their little shell game.

The inspections have been "intrusive and surprising," said Gen. Hossam Mohammed Amin, who heads Iraq's National Monitoring Directorate, the agency that cooperates with the United Nations in assessing the country's inventory of weapons programs.

"All those activities prove that the Iraqi declarations are credible and the American allegations are baseless," Amin said. "They are lying for political reasons."

That's not entirely accurate, now is it, Hoss? I mean, not even Hans is buying that spiel.

Blix has said Iraq failed to prove in its declaration it has no weapons of mass destruction. U.S. and British officials have also said they found the declaration short of a full accounting.

Things getting a little warm over there, Hoss? I'm predicting a veritable heat wave over the next few months.

New Years dinner...

Yum.... Blackeye peas, cornbread, turkey, saffron gravy and a salad.

Hot damn, we gots us some good eats. No more posting for me today as I sink into a food induced coma....

That was fun...

I just went over to The Petition Site and created a petition to have all deer killed. I wonder if it will get past their screeners.

I hope there is just one person there with as twisted a sense of humor as mine.

Any other ideas for petitions?

Brother Laurence's guest sermon...

Thank you, Brother Laurence for stopping by. Now that you have a key to the sanctuary, feel free to come by any time and best of luck with the crusade. 365 blogs in 365 days is a noble goal and if there is anything this congregation can do to help just let us know. We gave five bucks to that guy on the bicycle, the one with the big-ass wooden cross, so let it never be said that we don't contribute to causes.

If it would help at all, we could name you a Deacon of The Church of the Blinding White Light of Stupidity, just let us know where to send the certificate.

Now, you folks be sure to stop by and see him at his place, Amish Tech Support, and read more of his illuminating prose.

I Dream Of Ham

This post is a part of the Amish Tech Support 2003 Blog A Day Tour. The Church of the Blinding White Light of Stupidity has graciously offered to host my post for January 1, 2003 to ring in the New Year.

Happy New Year, everyone.

In order to ring in the New Year, I need to go back and think about one prevailing theme that's been in my thoughts the previous year. No, it's not the absurdity of the Palestinian urge to destroy within themselves all that which would be fundamental to or deserving of even the most basic permanent nation. Nor is it the increasing doubt that I may never see the inside of a server room in a professional capacity ever again with the job market like it is.

It was ham. No matter what the occasion or lack of occasion, my thoughts were firmly on ham. Everything that went through my mind ended up ham-soaked, and it takes me a great deal of effort to remember when there wasn't a day contaminated by ham.

I'm not just talking about the Oscar Meyer packaged ham slices, either. People who are utterly obsessed with such a low quality cut of ham, well, those folks are crazy. No, I'm talking about the good ham. The honey-glazed and slow-cooked stuff that you have to pre-order and pick up from a specialty shop. It's the stuff that a large group of people will stand around and pick at while the dog growls at anyone who tries to take the cast-off foil he's been licking instead of his balls for once.

There's a Honey Baked Ham store on one of my walking routes, and I like to stop and close my eyes and breathe in the ham-scent. I don't actually go in there, since you can't satisfy such a ham-craving with a few slices of ham off of one of those honey-glazed ham hocks... you have to get the whole thing, spiral cuts and all. You have to go whole hog with the ham to knock ham out of your mind.

Well, last night at the second party my wife and I attended, her brother had one of those glazed hams as the centerpiece. I felt like this was the end of a line of some psychic quest, where I've been waiting for this moment all this time. Something was Going To Happen.

I cut off a few of the slices, I spread on some of the large-grained mustard, and I tried to eat a slice.

Fat. Gobs and strands of fat. The honey flavor completely vanished as I chewed and chewed trying to find the bits of ham meat among the ham-landfill of fat. Where my dream-ham had nice and isolated marbelization of fat, this all-to-real ham had that fat right there and in my way. I found myself trying to eat around it, pick out the meat, and forsaking all good table-less table manners.

This is what I was dreaming and obsessing on all year? My dream of ham, shattered. The dream-ham had been perfect. This was reality.

Was this the message I was supposed to come away with?

Sure enough, there wasn't a single ham in my dreams last night. The imaginary odor is not wafting through the air and tempting me, like Willy Loman drawn towards to the flutes that tormented and teased him all throughout his final desperate days.

No, this time I dreamed of tangerine juice.

I think I will buy some at the store at the first opportunity. I don't want to end up tangerine-obsessed like I did with the ham, ending my year with a rancid and watery glass of tangerine juice. I may even go out and buy some tangerines and juice them myself to give myself the best tangerine experience.

Thanks for reading, and who knows where the next stop on the Amish Tech Support 2003 Blog A Day Tour will be tomorrow.

I'm still chuckling...

I found this while wandering around... this brings cyber sex way too far into the real world... Albino Black Sheep... Empty your mouth of all foreign objects before reading this link as projectile food/drink laughing is almost certain... I just spent an hour perusing their list of best files for 2002 and I can't stop laughing... dangerous stuff...

Link via RWN